


Locked Rooms

by qwanderer



Series: My Dear Doctor [4]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: A Letter of Mary through Locked Rooms, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mary Russell Mysteries, Open Relationship, Relationship Negotiation, Secret Relationship, a lot of episodes happen in here, and they read a lot of books, episodes up through Doctor Bashir I Presume, moderate angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 19:18:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14625321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qwanderer/pseuds/qwanderer
Summary: in which some secrets are kept and others revealed.





	Locked Rooms

**Author's Note:**

> Quotes are from Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King.
> 
> I might spoil some elements of the mystery from Justice Hall here, but I don't give away the big whodunit or anything. The rest of the reading covered (Book 3, A Letter of Mary, through Book 8, Locked Rooms) have mostly the usual emotional-type spoilers.
> 
> I plan on keeping this relatively canon compliant with the show just because that's how I naturally operate. I never got into the DS9 novels but everyone in this tag keeps mentioning ASIT, so I bought it and am reading it to contribute a little extra material, which I may or may not comply with, for the post-series portion of the series.

_"Russell, we are sailing on a straight path for the place that holds the most troubling memories of your childhood. It is only natural that you feel concern about seeing the place that burned to the ground when you were six...."_

\- Sherlock Holmes, to his wife, upon their approach to San Francisco, _Locked Rooms_ , Laurie R. King 

* * *

The first thing Garak did when he entered Bashir's quarters that night was activate a sound jammer. It deadened the sound going out of a circle around the device with a radius of two yards. Julian watched him with wide eyes. 

"There are some things that need to be said," Garak told him, "and they must be said with no doubt or ambiguity. I don't like having to say things outright, but sometimes it's necessary." 

"I understand," Julian said. 

"You may think you know what you're getting yourself into, but trust me, you are not prepared for the consequences of being publicly involved with me." 

Julian sighed, sinking down onto the sofa. "I know who you are, Elim. I know the kinds of things you've done." 

"Then you know I have enemies. Deadly ones." 

"Do you think that's going to scare me off?" 

"No," Garak said, sitting down on the other end of the sofa where Julian indicated. "You're far too dogged for that, Julian." 

Julian's smile went warm and bright at hearing his given name from Garak for the first time. 

"But I must insist that we keep our involvement secret. I believe we're both capable of doing this in a way that won't provoke anything concrete from even the most inveterate gossips on the station. We share meals in public no more than three times a week, and keep things as they have been, where other eyes can see." 

Julian nodded. "I don't think I'll have a problem pretending that I'm still trailing after you like a puppy, fascinated by your secrets. I mean, I still am, really. I don't doubt that you'll always have more secrets to frustrate and intrigue me with." 

Garak couldn't let himself get caught up in this quite yet. He had more to say first. 

"We visit each other's quarters no more than once a week. Overnight stays are permitted; I have no illusions about anything else being satisfactory to either of us. But we leave at the same time, or the visitor leaves first but after the host has risen, and the visitor must always bring something, a book or other small, friendship-appropriate gift, so that he may pretend to have simply stopped by to drop it off." 

This time Julian nodded solemnly. Perhaps this really could work. 

"And we really should date other people," Garak said, watching Julian's face to see what he thought of that. 

He frowned, but didn't seem angry or shocked. "I thought Cardassians didn't take kindly to that sort of thing?" he asked. 

Garak pursed his lips as he thought how to explain this. "There are rules," he said. "First and foremost, no children out of wedlock. Cheating on a spouse is frowned upon for its own sake, but the only truly heinous crime is producing offspring with someone who is not your spouse. We will not be married, and you are not Cardassian and therefore not subject to the same standards of family integrity, but I still trust you will have the restraint not to impregnate anyone else while we're involved." 

"That won't happen!" Julian said firmly. "And couldn't we just... flirt with other people? A few dates, maybe, and no further? I don't want anyone but you." 

"My dear... I believe you, but I also insist the rules be clear from the beginning. You may yet change your mind." 

Julian looked hard at him. "Is that what you really want?" he asked. 

"I want you to be safe from my enemies, yes." 

"And you want to watch me go off to bed with other people, to make that happen?" 

"Absolutely," Garak said, and that was only a little bit of a lie. "It will make me feel better if the terms are equal, and you should know that I will do whatever I think will increase the chances of your survival, and my own. I won't have as many opportunities as you to provide cover for us, I'm sure, but rest assured, when they come I will take them." 

Julian nodded again, mouth tight, but he seemed to understand. "So no requirement of 'sleep with other people no less often than six times a year' or anything like that?" he said with a hint of a smile. 

"My dear Julian, I am sure those things will progress naturally enough for you, and their progressing naturally will be better cover than either of us could possibly invent," Garak replied. 

"I'm not so sure that they will," Julian said, his gaze on Garak's face fond and steady. 

Garak smiled back, just as fond. "Oh, you are adorable," he said. 

Julian wrinkled his nose. 

"But if you accept my terms," Garak said, "then tonight, here, from this moment on, is just for us." 

"I can live with that," Julian said, and started to lean forward, and Garak's careful restraint sang like a plucked string finally released. He all but pounced on Julian, straddling his lap and letting his fingers explore that oddly soft, delicate neck. 

He gasped when Julian's hands, in turn, brushed his ridges, then pulled him down for a kiss. 

* * *

Outside the walls of their quarters, things went on as they always had, mostly. 

The Mary Russell books were like gifts. They never used those books for the sake of argument. They hardly ever discussed them in the Replimat. There were very few words at all, in fact. But just occasionally, Julian would drop one into his hand, and they'd share a look. 

They used the books as the basis of a code for important feelings, so that a word or two which would sound more or less like one of their usual literature discussions could mean infinitely more. 

Garak was almost finished reading A Letter of Mary when Major Kira was kidnapped by the Obsidian Order. They'd been playing with the concept of paranoia and secrets, using the images from the book as symbols. When Garak got back from rescuing Kira, there was more to be said with it about that moment of realization when a perceived foe becomes a potential friend. 

The Moor had been dropped into his hand a few days before the station's anti-insurgency protocols were accidentally activated. It became a way to talk about the experience of being a guide on familiar but extremely treacherous ground. 

After the events of Julian's thirtieth birthday, O Jerusalem provided the vocabulary for them to express how fond they really were of each other, and how they found peace in each other's presence despite everything. 

When Garak blew up his own shop, Julian gave him an isolinear rod containing Justice Hall and a rather significant look, a clear message to study it carefully. 

Several of the characters were excessively Cardassian. Gabriel, for one, could almost have been a character in The Neverending Sacrifice. Family, country, loyalty and self-sacrifice pumped through their veins. There was even a morbid string of unfortunate "accidents," to make the whole tale more relevant to current events. 

But the message of this book was an incredibly human one - these deaths should never have happened. These people should not have had to give up their lives and their loves. The characters were happier, stronger and more successful when they let themselves go after what their hearts desired, rather than what duty demanded. 

Garak sighed, and admitted in the privacy of his own head that the humans might have had a point about that. 

Sometimes. 

* * *

Sometimes they would have frank conversations in the morning, before Garak turned the sound jammer off. 

"Who were you dreaming about?" Garak asked one morning, when Julian had been flailing in his sleep and mumbling some names that were definitely not any of Garak's. 

Julian sighed. "Palis, my ex-girlfriend, mostly." 

"You miss her." 

"No. Not really." Julian looked sideways af Garak. "Well." 

"Far be it from me to recommend honesty," Garak said gently, "but I assure you, I won't be hurt." 

Julian dropped his hands over his face. "How do you tell your boyfriend you miss being in a relationship?" 

"Not like that," Garak replied, half gentle mocking and half genuine advice. "You want something I can't give you. My dear, I do understand." 

"Elim, I love you, I do. It's just... I want to be able to hold hands with someone on the promenade. Go out to dinner at the Klingon restaurant and request a romantic serenade. I want to be able to tell my friends how happy I am to be with someone." 

"You have someone in mind?" Garak prodded. 

"You know I'd really like to do those things with you," Julian whined. 

"I know, my sweet. But that is not to be." 

Julian groaned. "I know Leeta is interested. But how can I do this to her? How can I make her think she's important to me like that, and live with myself?" 

"You're a clever man, Doctor Bashir," Garak said, a bit archly. "You will think of something." He squeezed Julian's ass to emphasize his point. 

"That's not where the thinking happens," Julian said, giggling. 

"Oh? Are you quite sure?" 

"As the medical expert here, _yes._ " 

* * *

"What did you tell her?" 

"I told her I didn't expect it to last, or become serious. I told her I couldn't give her exclusivity, or even disclosure, but that I did promise to keep myself in good health." He chuckled. "I basically implied that I was _incredibly_ promiscuous, but that I didn't kiss and tell." 

"Oh? So the rumors are true?" 

Julian scoffed. "Everyone will believe they are. Just because I like to flirt!" 

"No," Garak disagreed. "Because you like to flirt _badly._ " 

Julian gave him a mock-wounded look. 

"You're better at the Cardassian style," Garak admitted. "There, you have at least some subtlety." 

* * *

"Are you really sleeping with Ziyal?" Julian asked him, months later, pushing himself up on his elbows to look Garak in the face. 

Garak gave a fond sigh and stroked Julian's cheek. "No, my dear. She knows it's a farce as well as I do. She doesn't know about you, although she may suspect, but I think she's just as likely to believe that I am completely uninterested in that kind of companionship. It does happen, even among Cardassians." 

"Is it hypocritical of me to be relieved?" Julian asked, going back to leaning half over Garak like some kind of heavy, slightly sweaty heated blanket. 

"A little," Garak said with a smile. "But really, Julian, I wouldn't have you any other way. You provide us quite sufficient cover, and yet I know you're still invested in us." 

"You love her, though," Julian pondered. 

"Of course I do," Garak replied. "I consider you both family. No matter how appearances might differ from reality, in both cases, that will always be true." 

Julian frowned. "Aren't you putting her in danger, the way you were afraid of doing for me?" 

"It's possible," Garak replied, "but in her case I do believe the benefits outweigh the risks. Ziyal is protected from many of my old enemies by her association with Dukat. There are others for whom that association will only increase the danger, but I doubt my involvement will make that danger much worse. And of course, the simple fact of her ancestry is the thing that puts her in the greatest peril, and I can't do anything to change that." He inclined his head. "Except to spend as much time as possible around her, and watch her back, to the best of my ability." 

Julian sighed. "All right," he said. "I'll try not to let jealousy overwhelm me every time she gets to touch your hand in public." 

"You've got your Leeta," Garak reminded him. 

"Yes, but I think she's going to break things off soon. I think she has her eye on someone else. And she deserves someone else, you know. Someone who can make her their whole world." 

Garak scoffed. "The human concept of romance continues to elude me." 

"You know what I mean," Julian said, then rolled over far enough to kiss Garak's temple. "I know you know what I mean." 

Garak sighed, and let that statement stand. 

* * *

And then Garak tried to kill all the Changelings in the Great Link. 

The look in the good doctor's eyes as Garak was led to his cell had too many things in it to read, and there was some bewilderment, some disgust, enough that Garak could not be sure the remaining affection would carry them through this. But then Julian gave him a copy of The Game to read while under Odo's watchful eye, and Garak knew he still had a chance, most certainly more of a chance than he deserved. 

In this book, Holmes played the part of a traveling entertainer with a hint of menace, which made Garak laugh when he found it, and for the time he was reading, at least, the walls of his cell stopped threatening to close in on him. He saved it up, wanting to make it last. 

Julian visited three times a week, like clockwork. Garak was glad they'd established those boundaries long since, because he was lonely, but anything more would have been suspicious. They talked about the other books Julian had given him, mostly, but they allowed themselves to use the characters of The Game to discuss cruelty and retribution, imprisonment and varying senses of honor. 

"You're just the type to do an idiotic thing like pig-sticking to try and get me out of here," Garak said at one point. "Please don't. I'll be out soon enough." 

Bashir gave a little shake of his head which meant _not soon enough_ , but he didn't try anything, so that was okay. 

* * *

They spent the night together as soon as Garak was released. The mood between them was somewhat stilted, partly because of the time apart, partly because of the reason for it. Then, before the week was out, Julian left for a medical conference somewhere or other. 

Garak focused on reopening the shop. 

When the doctor returned, things were less stilted in some ways, which was a relief at first. But then the first week passed, and Julian never invited Garak to his quarters, or invited himself to Garak's. 

Something was different. They never shared those looks, those secrets. Julian hardly mentioned Holmes or Russell. 

The longer it lasted, the more strongly Garak felt that something was wrong. Not just Julian drawing away from him. There would have been other signs, if Julian wanted to stop seeing him. 

By two weeks, Garak had determined the most likely scenario was the dreadful possibility the doctor had been replaced by a Changeling. But what could he do, if Starfleet had been infiltrated? He could only keep an eye out. Place himself so that when an opportunity came, he could act. 

* * *

By the time the real Julian was found and rescued, he knew so many more of Garak's secrets. Secrets of his parentage, his childhood, his weaknesses. It was almost too much for the paranoia-steeped former Obsidian Order agent, but he knew enough of Julian now to be reassured that the doctor would never willingly use those secrets against him. 

That night, Julian stopped by the shop to give him Locked Rooms. The handing over of a Russell mystery always had a certain amount of ceremony between them, but now, that ceremony felt more weighty than ever. It was proof that they were both themselves, that they were both still here. 

Garak decided to return to his quarters to read, rather than seeking out Julian himself. At this point, the books almost felt like more of a solid connection than Julian's physical form, anyway. 

He ended up glad that he had. 

This was the first book to have passages from Holmes's perspective, as well as Russell's. There were times she hadn't really been there, things she hadn't been able to perceive, that were important. 

_He walked into the bath-room and shook tooth-powder onto his brush, but even with the noise of the running tap and the brush, he could hear the words spilling out of the next room. Drugged, drunk, hysterical, or simply infected by the mood of a flock of partying flappers, he couldn't know, but it was tiresome and it was worrying and it was not Russell, not at all._

Yes, Garak had gotten to know that sense of loneliness where there should be no loneliness, that sense that his beloved was, to all appearances, right beside him, and yet they were not. Not at all. 

Garak clung tight to the PADD as if it were Julian's hand, and read on. 

* * *

A few days later, Julian came by his quarters in the evening, an almost desperate look in his eyes. 

"My dear doctor," Garak said, "not that I'm not pleased to see you, but with your parents on the station, shouldn't you be taking the opportunity to spend time with them?" 

"I needed to talk to you," Julian said, and reached for the sound jammer, turning it on and putting it on the table, instead of at the head of the bed, where it usually sat. 

"Ah," Garak said. He sat, inviting the doctor to do the same with a gesture. 

Julian sat for a minute, having trouble finding the words. "How are you getting on with Locked Rooms?" he asked at last. 

"Almost finished Book Two," Garak reported, and wondered if he was about to lose everything that this man had become to him. "I appreciate the perspective of Holmes in this case." 

Julian reached out and took Garak's hand, and Garak knew then that whatever might be about to separate them, it wasn't any lack of regard on Julian's part. 

That was a little bit comforting, but mostly terrifying. 

Julian looked him in the eye. "There are so many reasons I've wanted to share these stories with you," he said. "This one especially. There are things about my past I've never told anyone. I had reasons of my own to agree to secrecy between us. I'm always careful not to attract too much attention, and _we_ would have been too much. But it's all unraveling now. I couldn't avoid it forever." 

Garak held tight to his hand, and tried to think of what might be happening to prompt this. 

"Her story is nothing like mine," Julian continued, "when you get right down to it. But I always thought it would feel like that, the way she describes it, for someone else to know. Like being unpeeled." 

"My darling," Garak said, "you know I won't judge." 

"When I was six," Julian said, "I was genetically enhanced. When I was fifteen, I found out. I still applied to medical school, and to Starfleet. Totally illegally. But it was what I felt I'd been meant to do." 

"And you've been found out? Are you certain?" 

Julian nodded. "I think the best thing for it is to resign from Starfleet, first thing in the morning," he said. "Garak... if I had to leave the station, would you come?" 

Garak took a breath, trying to think rationally. "You know I would love to," he told Julian. "But we need to think this through. What is the safest place for you? Would my being there put you in danger? Would it be a situation that both of us could endure? If you have time to prepare, and knowing the mercy of the Federation, you will, you should prepare carefully." 

There was so much potential good, and so much potential harm, in any possibility he could think of. 

"Okay," Julian said, making himself take a breath. "Okay. I'll wait and see how things play out." 

"In the meantime," said Garak, "now that you're here, will you stay the night?" 

"Of course," said Julian. "If this is my last night on the station, there's nowhere else I'd rather spend it." 

"And if it isn't?" Garak asked. 

"That wouldn't change a thing." 

* * *

In the end, Julian was allowed to continue as he had been, but without one of his two largest burdens of secrecy. Garak clung tight to him. They both knew they could survive with this status quo, but that it was more precarious than ever. 

In their little circle of quiet, Julian spoke freely about how he felt about what had been done to him as a child, and why he resented his parents so much for all of it. It did look like someone being unpeeled. Garak had been an interrogator, but this was an act of trust, something he didn't deserve - someone interrogating themselves, taking themselves apart in his presence, all of their own volition. 

And outside the circle, they still had their codes. Garak finished Locked Rooms, picking out pieces that felt like how Julian had looked when he spoke of the poor dead child who had been Jules. When he spoke of keeping his parents' terrible secret. 

_I had habitually walked past my own history, freely displaying the rest of the house to all and sundry.... My entire childhood had become a self-inflicted blind spot...._

But the language that stuck, when they spoke of recovering and moving on, was the language of gardening, all the green and growing things that had come up in the course of the book. 

Garak spoke of Julian by reminiscing about his orchids on Romulus, feared by some for their potential danger but prized by Garak for their unique beauty and vitality. 

Julian's public personality changed, little by little, as he got more comfortable revealing the extent of his abilities. But who he was with Garak didn't shift in the same way. 

He'd never pretended to be less than he was, not in their little circle of secrets. He'd never pretended to be safe and tame and simple. 

He'd held nothing back from who they were to each other inside the locked rooms they shared. 


End file.
